Burning Bridges
by Avada Cait-davra
Summary: Kirk has been insufferably lonely lately, and one night he gets drunk and kisses Spock. But Spock is with Uhura. What will happen? I am ghastly at summaries. o.o M for later chapters, and some swearing.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own any of this, I'm just playing around with the characters. **

_Burning Bridges, Chapter one. _

James Tiberius Kirk had everything in the world. Hell, he even had everything in space. He didn't mean to sound greedy, but what he had just wasn't enough. There was a void inside of him as big as space itself and try as he might, Kirk could find nothing big enough to satisfyingly fill it. He couldn't figure it out- he had _everything._ He was the captain of his own ship. He had friends. He had Bones, Chekov, Spock. So, he tried to play it off. Tried to be happy. But that was getting difficult, insufferably so. Yes, he had Spock. But Spock had Uhura, with her dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes, and light kiss. Maybe that was it. Maybe love was what Kirk needed, what was bigger than space and what would fill the aching hole inside of him.

But the problem with that was on a spaceship, there was a very limited crowd of people. A crowd that usually didn't differ much. The same people came in and out of the space deck. And Kirk felt no connection to any of them. He spent too much time in that deck up in the atmosphere to pursue anyone who spent their time on the ground.

Jim decided that was the problem, though. He was lonely, and that was that, no matter how pathetic that made him feel. But, he never would say anything about it. He'd gotten too good at hiding it, too good at pretending. He'd just continue suffering quietly. Something would come along eventually. It had to, right?

As if on cue, the door to the bridge slid open and Commander Spock entered. He walked over to Kirk, his back straight, his strides even and consistent, his hair falling in a logically straight line across his forehead.

"Hello, captain."

"Hey, Spock." Kirk said quietly, still half lost in his thoughts.

"You seem perplexed. What troubles you? Perhaps I may shed some light on the situation."

"It's nothing, Spock. Really. Just daydreaming a little."

"Daydreaming. Most illogical. Why ponder situations that will not come to pass?"

Jim furrowed his brow. Spock was always confusingly logical. He informed Spock of the position he would need to be covering, and told him to get to work, dismissing the topic at hand. The rest of the crew filed in, Spock was always five minutes early.

Space was quiet today. There were no new planets to discover, no threats of attacks, no enemy space crafts on the horizon, no black holes eating up entire universes. Kirk loved days like this. The days they peacefully floated through the stars, briefly becoming a part of the constellations. They were a part of the Big Dipper's handle, a link on Orion's belt, the top on Sirius's nose, a shooting star the people on the ground would look up and wish on. However, Kirk almost wanted a planet to be under siege today. It was selfish, but he needed a distraction. He wanted to bark out commands, to feel important, to shoot the phasers. He wanted to get beamed down into a battle and save a planet full of people. He wanted to do something other than watch the way Uhura was looking at Spock, and the subtle, logical way he was looking back.

True, he had once yearned for Uhura. He'd once looked at her with eyes full of affection, but she hadn't been interested. And Spock had stolen her before he could pursue her further. And Kirk could see why. Spock was tall, and the soft fabric of his shirt didn't hide the defined muscles of his chest. He'd lured her out of the playing field with his soft human eyes and large Vulcan…mind. Kirk found himself gazing in Spock's direction, amused by the way the lights shone in his hair. He blushed slightly and turned away, fiddling with a few buttons and switches. What was his problem today? He'd been up in this ship for too long. After this mission, he'd take some time off and…oh, who was he kidding? The _Enterprise_ was all he had.

The shift dragged slowly until it was finally time for each of them to retire to their respective rooms. Kirk walked down the hallway to his room, ignoring Spock as he called after him, seeing Uhura lace her fingers into his. Kirk walked away briskly, wondering why the sight left his insides squirming. He was almost to the quiet empty safety of his room, when a booming voice called to him. Kirk stopped and turned to face Bones.

"Hey, Jim! Any plans tonight? What do you say about sharing a drink or two?"

"Um. Not tonight, Bones."

"Oh, how come?" Bones pouted slightly. Jim sighed. Drinking when he was upset was never a good idea. Instead of giving him a pleasant warmth running through his veins, it only left him cold, dizzy and more miserable.

"I'm not in the mood."

"Oh, come on, Jim! Please!"

"Ugh, fine. You act like five year old sometimes, you know that, Bones?"

"You sound like the ex-wife." Kirk snorted and shook his head. He really had just wanted to go in his room and pathetically lay in his bed in the dark. But he knew Bones would not give up until he said yes. And he didn't particularly want an unnecessary hypo in his neck in the morning. So, it looked like he'd be drowning his sorrows in whiskey tonight, even though he knew that it wouldn't end well.

And sure enough, two hours and ten drinks later, Kirk sat in his room, his head buzzing with alcohol. He was inconsolably upset, like he'd known would happen. He starred out of the circular window at the blanket of star he'd become accustomed to. It brought him no comfort tonight, however. All he wanted was sleep, but it seemed so far away, so pointless to even try. He sat against the headboard of his bed, his mind wandering as he gazed at the stars. His eyes started drooping closed, his torso sliding gently sideways. He was almost asleep, so terribly close, when a loud noise sounded in the hallway. A smaller quieter one followed and Jim say straight up and looked around in confusion. He heard the small noise again and placed it- a soft moan. He tumbled out of bed and followed the noise into the bright light of the hallway to investigate.

He got to the end of the hallway, just as the doors to the turbo lift closed. He caught a glimpse of Spock and Uhura, attached by the lips. He pounded the button and got into the next empty elevator. He followed the sounds of Uhura's airy moans to the training room. Not thinking, not wanting to hang around, he flipped the light.

Spock, his normally logically straight hair in a ruffle, pushed Uhura away from his lips. Smugly, she looked at Kirk, shifting her shirt back into place before briskly walking out of the room.

"Captain, I- I can explain."

"Spock, what is this? You of all people! Vulcans, whatever the fuck you are. Is this logical?" Kirk lashed out, hoping the alcohol wasn't weighing too heavily on his tongue.

"Certainly, captain. I love her."

"You don't love her." Kirk said, his blue eyes struggling to stay locked on his friend's. "You can't love her. Isn't it ill..logic..logical?" His words were slurring. Great.

"Illogical? My mind ay be mixed, and the nagging urges to be logical constantly soon gives way to my human urges. Sex, Kirk, is all you humans think about, is it not?"

Kirk tried to focus on Spock's words. He pondered this thought for a while. Yes, he'd seen his fair share of women, but a sudden twinge toward Spock made him want to spring toward the pointy-eared man and caress him. He couldn't tell if it was the alcohol coupled with the loneliness he'd been feeling, or if it was something more. He couldn't get his mind straight long enough to figure it out. It was taking too much concentration to remain standing.

"But you don't love her. I can see it in your eyes."

"I beg your pardon, Captain, but I do indeed love her. And it is logical, for procreation. For I am indeed an endangered species."

"But. You. You fucking can't love her."

"Why not, Captain? I assure you my logic is sound."

"It's not! It. Can't be!"

"Why, sir?"

"Give the captain shit a rest. And I don't fucking know. You just. Can't." Spock opened his mouth to rationalize the situation, but instead of words coming out, Kirk lunged forward and forced his tongue in.

Spock froze, his eyes wide, confused. His mouth hung open around Kirk's tongue. It probed Spock's mouth blindly. Spock retracted his tongue so as not to make contact with his captain's. Spock took a step back, leaving Jim awkwardly standing, mouth open, tongue extended.

"Forgive me, Captain. But this. Is acutely illogical." Kirk closed his mouth, but still stood, not knowing what to say. The Vulcan clasped his hands in front of him. "I shall be leaving now. Goodnight, Kirk." He turned swiftly, back slightly straighter than usual.

"Spock." Kirk called, reaching his hand out. "Fuck, Spock. Wait." The other man stopped and turned back around.

"Yes?"

"I. I love you." Kirk said in a small pathetic voice. And someplace deep inside of him, he knew it wasn't just the alcohol talking.

"Illogical. You are inebriated. You have consumed approximately 12.8 ounces of alcohol. You are not of sound mind. I will be leaving now. You should do the same."

Kirk watched Spock leave through blurry eyes. He couldn't keep his hands still.

"Spock." He slurred quietly as he walked, well stumbled, down the hall and into the lift. He wrapped his arms around himself. His eyes were wet. "Spock. Damn it. I need you."

For the seventy-fifth time that day, Kirk felt pathetic. His buzz was disappearing and being quickly replaced by a pounding head. He made it into his room just as his legs decided they were done walking for the night. Jim slid into his bed and drowned himself in his sheets, trying to shut his eyes- shut out what he'd just done. Even though he was indeed drunk, there was something there when he'd kissed Spock, if you could even call it a kiss. It more of an attack, really. But even so, there was something there, something stronger than the alcohol. Kirk couldn't think straight anymore, this was so confusing- he was too late, his head hurt too much. His mouth tasted distractedly like Spock. He couldn't put another name to it if he tried- just. Spock. It was bliss. Terrible, masochistic bliss. He stared at his ceiling, willing sleep to overcome his buzzing mind.

---

Spock walked back to his room in a minorly flustered daze. His captain had just attempted to kiss him. True, he was drunk, and what was a kiss but a human display of affection? But that was just it- his captain was human. But this. This was illogical. The way Kirk had made his palms sweat and his face hot- he was convinced it was merely out of surprise. But, was that it? Yes, it had to be. But why was his face still hot, then? He hoped he wouldn't run into anyone in the hall, he was sure his cheeks were still tinged green around the edges. Damned Vulcan blush. But why was he even blushing in the first place?! He reached his hand to punch in the code to open his door, but before he was safely inside he felt arms snake around his middle and lips against his neck.

"Spock, we never finished." Uhura breathed.

"Nyota. Not now. It is too late."

"So? I'll come in. We can just…go to sleep." Her words were innocent, but the tone they were spoken in was not.

"That would be illogical. We cannot afford to be fatigued during our shifts tomorrow." Spock turned to face her, but instead of answering, she crushed her lips against his, her hands entwining in his shiny black hair. Abruptly, she pulled away, hands moving to his shoulders and pushing him away.

"Ugh, Spock. Why do you taste like whiskey?"

Spock was sure the blood was rushing back into his face and neck. He opened his door and stepped over the threshold. Uhura tried to follow, but Spock stopped her. "I am sorry, I need to meditate. You cannot be present. Goodnight." He placed a chaste kiss to her lips and closed the door.

He ordered the lights on and awkwardly adjusted his hair. He needed to sort his thoughts. He wasn't sure what he was thinking. The feeling was unfamiliar, uncomfortable, unwelcome. He needed to fix it. He sat down and folded his hands, slowly closing his eyes.

_TBC…_

**Thoughts, please? Should I continue, or is it pointless? **


	2. Chapter 2

**Nothing has changed. I still own nothing.**

_Burning Bridges, Chapter Two. _

Morning came much too soon for Jim's liking. The alarm he'd set sounded, harshly breaking the peaceful silence. He moaned and rolled over, groggily ordering the alarm to stop it's incessant beeping. He did not want to get out of bed. His head hurt already, standing wouldn't do a thing for it. He knew he had to though. He was expected on the bridge in fifteen minutes. But that was last place he wanted to go. The thought of seeing Spock made his stomach turn in a way that had nothing to do with him impending hangover. Grudgingly, he stood, silently cursing Bones and his whiskey. He dressed in his Captain's golds and exited his room into the too-bright hallway. He could just tell today was going to be a _great_ day.

Kirk rubbed his face with both of his hands as he walked onto the bridge. Chekov greeted him enthusiastically, his thick Russian accent loudly piercing through his skull. Kirk flopped into his chair, eyes barely open, one hand covering most of his forehead and one eye. Someone clapped him roughly on the back and for one terrible moment, Jim was afraid he was going to be sick.

Breathing deeply through his nose for a moment, he turned and opened his eyes. Everything was bright and blurry and _God _his head hurt. Bones stood beaming behind him.

"Morning, Captain!" he said boomingly. It was like he was screaming into a megaphone that was pressed directly against Kirk's ear. "Let me guess. You might throw up on me?"

"Ugh, fuck you, Bones." Kirk moaned, turning his chair back around.

"Nice language, Captain." Uhura said. "Very eloquent."

"To your station, Lieutenant." He ordered. He had a few eloquent things to say to her.

"Mr. Kirk. Are you feeling quite okay? You don't need a trip to sickbay, do you? A few cautionary hypos, maybe?"

"Mr. McCoy. I assure you I am perfectly fine. Thanks for calling it to everyone's attention."

"No problem, captain. Just looking out for you, sir." Bones grinned toothily at him.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Are you sure you are feeling up to your duties, Captain? I shall take over for you should you find it necessary." A familiar logical voice stated. Kirk's stomach flipped again, his palms and the back of his neck starting to sweat slightly.

"I am certain I am fine, Spock. You may assume your normal duties." Kirk said stiffly, his voice carefully clipped. He didn't look up to see the taller man cock his eyebrow and sit down. "Sulu, anything on the horizon today?"

"It looks like we have a war bird or two headed our way."

Kirk sighed. "We would." Fighting and loud lasers were _exactly _what his pounding head needed. "Alright, shields up, phasers to stun. You know- the usual."

"Aye, sir." Chekov and Sulu chorused.

Kirk hoped the Klingons weren't feeling too vicious today. He really just wanted to crawl back into bed and let Spock take over his post. But there were three problems with that. Bones would never leave him alone about not being able to hold his liquor, he didn't want to admit to himself that he currently had the Hangover From Hell, and perhaps most importantly, he did not want to talk to Spock. It might be childish, but he was going to avoid the Vulcan at all costs.

"Hang on." Chekov announced as he and Sulu wrenched the _Enterprise _out of the line of fire of one Klingon vessel…and straight into an attack from another. Everyone one the bridge clung tightly to something as the ship reacted to the blow. So much for the Klingons not being vicious today.

"Damn it." Kirk cursed, clenching his teeth. "Sulu, fire at will. Get them out of the sky."

"Don't you care to know what it is they're after this time?" Sulu asked.

"Not particularly." Jim mumbled. Honestly, he didn't give a shit. They clearly weren't holding anyone of importance hostage- his whole crew was there and Starfleet hadn't sent them any message of distress today. He voiced these thoughts and added "They're probably just bored. Nothing better to do in all of space than attack a Federation ship. So. Fire away."

"Sir, I feel that approach may be illogical." Spock stated.

Kirk bit his lip for a moment. "Yeah, well. I'm the captain, so." Great comeback. A second grader couldn't have come up with better. _Oh yeah? Well, your mother is illogical. _

"I understand. I merely wanted to perhaps suggest something more logical-"

"Well, Spock." Kirk cut him off, standing and turning around far too quickly. "Since when do I do things that are logical, hm?"

"Captain-" Sulu interrupted, trying to keep the peace. It was at this moment the Klingons decided to fire again. Kirk grasped the arm of his chair seconds too late and was sent crashing to the floor.

"Shoot the goddamn Klingons!" Kirk ordered through his clenched jaw. Chekov obeyed without hesitation and the ship lurched as the lasers zoomed from the hull. Kirk clambered to his feet only to come face to face with Spock.

Kirk growled slightly and locked the Vulcan with blue eyes aflame with rage, and tinged with rejection. Spock's eyes softened a bit- he sensed the hurt within Kirk. The hurt he'd caused. In that moment, Spock felt something shift inside him- something he had not been able to shake during his meditation. He suddenly, inexplicably viewed Jim Kirk as something more than his greatest friend. He wanted nothing more than to grab his slender shoulders and reciprocate that which he was not able to the night before, however illogical that action may be. Spock was shaken from his highly illogical train of thought by Kirk's harsh words.

"You know, fine, Spock. You know so much more than me. Why don't you just take the fuck over?"

"Captain, I-"

"Commander Spock. That was an order."

Spock opened his mouth, but closed it again before any sound came out. Kirk turned on his heel and was almost through the door, when Spock called after him.

"Captain, shall I still expect your company for our game of chess later this evening?"

Kirk laughed scornfully down the hall as an answer, letting the door squeak shut behind him.

Kirk walked back to his room, hands shoved into his pockets. Once inside, he stepped out of his boots and lifted his shirt over his shoulders. He didn't bother with his pants. His bed was calling to him and they took required too much work. He slumped into bed, wishing he could have stolen a hypospray from Bones despite himself. His head was still pounding. He couldn't leave his room now, not after his display on the bridge. And plus, Bones probably would just want to watch him suffer. So, he pulled his blankets up around his chin and shut out the world.

Minutes, or maybe it was hours, later a clanging knock woke Kirk from his sleep. He didn't move to answer it. Maybe if he acted like he wasn't there, they'd go away. Or not. The knock resounded again, this time coupled with a voice.

"I know you're in there, Jim. Open up the damn door." Bones' voice came through the cracks under the door.

"God, keep your pants on, Bones." Jim called back to him, ordering the door open. Kirk begrudgingly disentangled himself from his red silken sheets as Bones let himself in.

"How ya feelin'? Better now that you slept it off?" Kirk grunted in response as McCoy sat in the chair Kirk kept at his desk. McCoy looked at him as if deliberating what he should say next.

"Okay, Bones. I can tell this isn't just a friendly checkup. What's on your mind? Just spit it out."

"Well. I'm not really sure what's on my mind. I just wanted to make sure you were alright, Jim."

"Um. Well. I'm fine? Still a little hungover, I guess. But I'm fine." Jim rubbed the back of his neck. The only times Bones showed his concern without berating and chastising him were when he was seriously injured or something serious had occurred.

"That's not really what I meant."

"Then what did you mean? Just say it. My head still hurts from your damn whiskey. I can't be chasing my mind around in circles."

"It's hardly my whiskey's fault that you drank so much of it."

"Bones."

"Alright Jim. Well, I don't know. The way you blew up at Spock today. Did something happen? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd love to do that to the green blooded son of a bitch most every day, but I thought you two were close."

"Oh."

"Oh? So something _did _happen. He seemed really upset over it."

"Yeah, right. Spock seeming upset? Somehow I doubt that."

"Well, he wouldn't have seemed upset to someone who didn't know him. But the way he cocked his head and held his brow…I don't know. There was this weird light in his eye. He may as well have been sobbing, Jim."

Kirk didn't say anything. He didn't know how to. What did Spock have to be upset ove? He wasn't the one with unrequited feelings.

"What happened between you two?"

"Nothing." Kirk snapped.

Bones pursed his lips. "Alright, fine. I just thought I'd be a good best friend and try to help. But you shouldn't go burning bridges, Jim."

"I know, Bones. Then the ship will crash."

---

Jim stayed in his room for the remainder of the afternoon. He would have stayed the whole night if his stomach would have stopped grumbling so loudly. He decided there was no way around going down to get some dinner. But that was okay because Kirk knew he couldn't hide forever.

He was a few minutes late in arriving, so everyone was already seated and eating. Jim gathered his food as well and sat next to Sulu, who was heatedly debating about something with Chekov. Bones sat down on the other side of Kirk and greeted him, but Kirk wasn't paying attention. He was busy watching Spock from across the room. Well, watching Uhura hang all over Spock and watching him be unresponsive. His shoulders were straight, hands resting gently on the table, looking directly in front of him. His gaze flicked toward Kirk, who dropped his immediately to his synthetic mashed potatoes on his plate.

"You two kill me. You're acting like second grade crushes." Bones grumbled and Jim felt his face get red and his ears get hot. He feigned interest in his potatoes, hoping Bones wouldn't notice the color rising in his cheeks. "Oh my God, that's it, isn't it?" he hissed. Jim shoved a mouthful of food past his lips. "God, Jim! I never thought you…I mean, every planet we go to you always…"

"Bones, shut up." Kirk said, he was starting to feel self conscious. Bones was right- he was always around girls, always enjoying their…_company. _He had never been attracted to guys in any way. He'd never even considered it. He didn't consider himself gay. Not even bi-curious. Maybe just…_Spock_-curious.

"But, Jim! Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was hushed, urgent, as though they were discussing a critical medical condition rather than Kirk's preference in partners.

"I'm not gay, Leonard." Kirk said abruptly.

"Then. What is the deal with him?"

"I…I don't know." Kirk shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"You like him though. I'm not stupid, Jim. I've seen that look in your eyes before. The same with every other girl on the ship."

"Fine. Damn it, Bones. I don't know what to call this. Don't. Say anything, okay?" Kirk said. And as an afterthought, "That's an order. I'll have you decommissioned."

"Yeah, yeah. Of course you will." Bones waved him off. "But don't you have a little more faith in me than that? I won't say anything." Jim stood and made to exit, with Bones standing and following him out. "Unless you don't start talking to him again."

Jim turned and glared at the doctor, deliberately getting into the life and shutting the door before Bones could follow.

_TBC…_

**I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed this, and to apologize for not responding to your reviews. I have had very little time on my hands lately. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts, good or bad. The next chapter will be slightly more exciting. Thank you. **


End file.
